So it's been more than a year since my second journal entry. I've been meaning to write one for some time but never got around to it. Now that I actually don't have the time to write one, when I'm slammed with studying and am actually sitting in a pile of Contemporary Art History flashcards inside the computer lab at school, I've decided to zone out and write.

2007. Wow. It's amazing what changes in just a year. But just a year can be such a long time. The time it takes to fall in love and build your world around one person, only to see it crumble in the wintertime when it gets loneliest. Am I right? When you've got someone in the winter it's the holidays. Joy joy joy. But when you don't, pieces of your heart turn into dead weight. Loneliness is magnified. And you have to try and remember what life was like before you fell in love. What life was like last year.

I think the Lord has given me 80 degree days in December to make sure I still feel alive. Fake springtime. This year I've traded in a longtime friend for a real one. I've experienced procrastination and lost grades at a massive scale - it's funny because still, it's all over one person. When you put someone so first... when they're such a center... they become the reason you are happy from day to night to day. And now they're still here but I know I'll never be as close as I was when it was more but never exactly "we".

I'm sure a month or so ago I could have written a novel on being depressed. It sucked. I could've logged all my feelings - or just the feeling of sadness - into a journal paaages long. I've been trying not to dwell on it though, and it's about time it started working. It started with a certain "pretending everything's okay". Soon enough, I just try to ignore certain feelings. It's been working pretty good for the past two weeks, but two days ago I had another crying fit. It was because I was trying to write a song about my life. About this year. Which would be a song all about. Him. It's what my songs are always about. It's not fair, because he's all my life has been.

I've been absorbed and then spat back out in pieces like some sick form of osmosis. But not all the pieces are here and I can't seem to reform what I was. Spiritually, mentally. Physically. I'm used to hiding, and I've ran out into the open for no one. For NO one. I can already feel myself tucking emotions back in. I mean, I have to, right? I have to tuck emotions back in, I have to find a new place to hide. This new place'll be much deeper in the darkness. I'll be compassionate, but I need to learn to not tell anymore stories. Not to tell anymore secrets. Life is not all about me. And it aggravates me to see people living in their own pity parties, which is what I have been doing. I've always been alone, haha! I shouldn't be surprised. I'll just smile a lot. Because other people need that, and more people than me have problems. And I'll be comfortable... being lonely? And still in love? No... I'll be comfortable and count my blessings. And move on... how.

Trust myself.
Create my own life.
Love and give all I can to family and friends.
Taking care of my ambitions...
... follow logical paths for my future.
Sing, dance, pray, play, move!, work.
Create.
Drink and be merry.

Pursue whatever happiness is still out there.





"...the holes in my everydayness
lend sustenance where starvation's necessary
cause my brain's a dictionary..."